What's My Age Again?

Here I go name dropping again, but Claire and I met on the first day of kindergarten.  When we were five.  That means that we have known each other for 26 years (I did just pull out my calculator for that).  So guess how old that makes me?  30...almost 31!  You won't ever see or hear me say that age again.  I will be 29 for at least my next six birthdays.  I mean, people are always shocked when I tell them that anyways.  Nooo - you can't be more than 24.  Ha.  If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be by this age - the answer was simple.  Working at Morgan Stanley, married, with at least two children.  Life really is full of surprises. 

Needless to say, I was one of the oldest in my post-bac program.  And I am fully aware that I will be one of the oldest in my medical school class.  I was hoping to finish school by 35.  Now it will be 36 (and that degree will be from Tulane.  I received a letter from them explaining that deferment means no other applications.  Bummer - there goes my dreams for UCSF).  I know that my age is just a number, but guys sure do have it easy.  Babies whenever they want.  Believe it or not...boys and girls ARE physically different.  This is something that I have to actually think about.  Do I want a family?  Do I want to have children?  What kind of life do I want my kids to have and how much do I want to be a part of it?  Do I want to be a working mother?  Will I have the time and energy to balance it all?  Is this road too hard?  After medical school comes residency, and then I will have to pay back loans.  The years are really starting to add up - all of a sudden I'm nearing my mid 40's and my anxiety level is rising.  This is my life we are talking about.

One huge success of post bac was that I had a circle of friends who were a lot like me.  We had all graduated from college with liberal arts degrees, taken a bit of time off, and realized later in life that medical school was our calling.  Going into Mills I thought this was going to be a problem.  I knew that I was on the older side and I thought that I was going to be unable to relate to my peers given my age, experience, and time away from school.  But this was hardly the case.  My closest friends ranged from 23 to 32 years.  And it rarely crossed my mind.  It came down to our circumstances.  What we were doing, and what we wanted.  We were in the same place at the same time with the same goals, drive, and motivation.  I never once thought, oh, I can't be friends with them, I'm just to old and they won't understand.  Quite to the contrary, these people are the ones who get it.

That said, I also have a tight group of friends who are already married.  Some have started having babies.  We are 30 years old after all.  This is what happens.  Go to college, work, get married, have kids.  This was my road for many years.  This is Claire's road - she is a successful business owner with a family - and her son, Jackson - he makes my world go round.  There is nothing better than getting a huge hug or a wet kiss from Jackson.  Nothing better than seeing him walk for the first time, watching his curiosity grow, hearing him say my name, and seeing his face light up with laughter.  I can only pretend to know what it is like to be a mother, but the unconditional love that Claire and Jackson share is like no other love.

Did you know that Jackson is 1.5 years old and I have never had to change his diaper?  Oh, and I've never changed Dara or Davis' diapers either.  Of course, now that I have confessed, I know that I will be changing diapers forever (more like insisting on potty training - it's fine.  They can watch me use the big kid toilet if you really think it's going to help them learn.  But no diapers...ok?).  It's like when I wrote about options...now everyone makes me choose.  But in all honesty, being Jackson's aunt means that I don't have to wake up with him at 3:00am when he is sick.  I can still go out with my friends.  I don't have to watch Disney movies on repeat. And I can ignore the temper tantrums.  It also means that I can focus on myself, study, and go to school.

So I'm undecided.  There are times, especially recently with this medical school set back, that make me think - maybe I am making the wrong decision.  Maybe I do want to focus on an easier career.  Have a family.  And spend time with my future children.  But if I decide to do that, am I giving up on myself?  Selling myself short?  Will I always wonder - "what if?"  Will I resent the family that I decide to have?  A lot of questions, but I do know that for now,  I can't just forget about my dream.  I can't pretend as though the last two years didn't happen.  I have to try this test again and have faith in the unknown.  Faith in the belief that things will unexpectedly fall into place.  Just as they always do.

(pictures from 4th of July.  Fireworks!)