Please don't ask me where we should go to dinner. I don't know. There are some things that I am just not good at. Shaving my legs (ankles and knees especially), anything technology related (including working a channel changer...yes I call remotes channel changers), and coming up with ideas are at the top of my "needs improvement" list. Oh yeah, and standardized tests - but that should be obvious by now. HOWEVER, if you have ever dated me, you know that my favorite trick when faced with the impossible task of having to come up with anything - a movie, dinner, vacation spot, weekend activity...whatever - is "you pick three, I'll pick one."
So, as you can imagine, when I found out my score, I panicked. I was terrified by the unknown. I started working on an options list as soon as possible. Ideas ranged from moving to New Orleans anyways, studying for the MCAT there, working in Tulane's ER, and getting a head start on my public health classes. If I'm good at anything, it's resourcefulness, plus, I have a huge network - I already know an Examkrackers tutor as well as an emergency room physician in New Orleans.
I did e-mail Morgan Stanley. I have begged for my job back more than once before. This test has definitely made me challenge my intelligence and whether or not I'm up for the long, long, long road of exams, competitiveness, sleepless nights, and long hours that I have in front of me. Can I do this? If I can't get the score I need on the MCAT, will I be able to get the score I need on the boards? So that's an option...I can go back to Morgan Stanley.
What else - I e-mailed my boss in the Emergency Room asking her if I could train to be a tech or a clerk (not for the long run, but for this transition year). I've thought about becoming an EMT....again.. short term. I looked at the requirements for PA school. Yes - becoming a nurse would probably be easier. Plus, I wouldn't have to worry about the liability that doctors deal with, not to mention the crazy hours.
Should I apply to other schools? Should I start school now in the Caribbean? Should I just stick with Tulane? They did tell me that my deferral is an acceptance whenever I get the score that I need on the MCAT.
Then, there's always travel. Doing some kind of humanitarian project in South America. Working on my Spanish. Seeing more of the world. Getting out of the Bay Area. You all know that I love the Bay Area. But I desperately need to leave, it's starting to hold me back.
Yay. All of a sudden I'm drowning in options. And that's a good thing. It means that I can choose. Everyone knows that I make things happen. When I make up my mind, I go for it. You can't stop me. This is NOT to say that I am impulsive, because I'm not.
I'd say that there are two major decisions that I have made that have drastically changed the direction of my life. The first was deciding to leave an engagement. I can't tell you how long it took me to end a relationship that wasn't making me happy. It was hard. The second was my decision to leave a career that I could have stayed with forever. Going back to medical school was something that I pondered for years. Morgan Stanley was not a bad job. I was making a lot of money, working with amazing people, and training for management. Things there were just going to keep getting better. But it wasn't me. I came home at the end of the day feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I decided that I would rather be in school for the next ten years than stay in a job that didn't make me happy. That feeling of inspiration is what I'm struggling to find now. I know that I want to be a doctor, but it is going to be hard. Did I make the right decision two years ago? I think I did but I know there are going to be moments of questioning and doubt.
Okay, so as of today, I'm not going to give up. I have options. To start with, I'm going to take the MCAT again. I signed up for the September 2nd test date. So I'm going to study. And I am going to study hard. I gave up a lot to make this happen. I'm not going to quit now. And also - I'm going to choose my top ten schools and apply to those. Maybe I'll be in New Orleans by this time next year. But maybe I'll be in San Francisco, or Chicago, or Boston. We will see. And as for after September 2nd. I don't know what I'm going to do. But it's kind of nice to be able to say that, and it's kind of nice to know that I have a long list of things to choose from.
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